Ever wonder if your kid will turn out ok?

So maybe I’m just being too sensitive, but it seems as my oldest son grows up, his heart is not as sensitive as it used to be. Maybe that’s what happens when little boys grow up. Fear and sadness try to creep into my heart as I think about what “THIS COULD MEAN? Will my son love Jesus? Will he love me? Will he love his wife? Will he be a decent human being that contributes to society? Will he ever hunger and be passionate for the Lord? Will he… will he… will he?” Then it transitions to me. “Oh my gosh, I’m the worst parent ever! My son doesn’t do (fill in whatever “Christian” thing you’re supposed to do) and so how will he ever turn out right? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do different as a parent? Why does parenting having to be messy? Why can’t it be a black and white formula?” Then other times I laugh and tell myself that I am over analyzing everything. Gee ya think? The poor kid is only 10 years old!

Whether I am being super sensitive or not, really doesn’t matter though. Whether my desires for my son ever manifest in the future or not, really doesn’t matter. What matters, is RIGHT NOW. The desire to control the happy outcome of my son’s future is meaningless and futile. But what I can do, is live in this moment right now!

So tonight when these thoughts tried to overtake and grip my heart with fear, I decided I would do something to connect in this moment. Although my heart wanted to get in his face and freak out about the meaning and purpose of life, “Do you realize what life is all about? Do you get this? Do you know what Christ did for you?” Instead… I decided to dance. Yep. I cranked some fun dancing music on in the kitchen while I cooked supper, grabbed my 10 year old and said, “Come on…dance with your mama.” Of course I could tell by his slumped shoulders and painfully long face that he was real excited about this idea. Through my encouragement and silliness, he wasn’t moving. Finally I said through my sweet dance moves, “Come on boy, some day you will regret not dancing in the kitchen with your mama!”  Something clicked. He said, “You’re right mom. Someday I will.” At that moment, he got silly with me and started dancing and swinging through the kitchen. The schlump turned into smiles and laughter. The dancing didn’t last long between him and I. Soon the rest of the kids were all dancing in the kitchen and we were having a party as I took breaks to add ingredients to the dinner on the stove.

I am so thankful for my 5 minute dance party. It connected our hearts together, showed him I was in love with him and that I enjoyed him, and got me out of my freak-out funk. Although our hearts didn’t connect on the spiritual level that I am desiring, they did on an emotional level. We connected TODAY. And today is the only thing I have with my son. I don’t have tomorrow. I have today.

 Maybe this is a normal process to feel like you are losing your child. Maybe it’s not? Maybe I really am doing something wrong and need to reevaluate my parenting and relationship with my son. Regardless, the bottom line is, trusting the Lord. The Lord loves my son more than I do. He wants what’s best for him even more than I do. He will pursue my son, just as He pursued me. God’s got this. He will give me wisdom and show me the paths to take as I seek His face.  Yes, we will (and have) both make mistakes as we grow and mature. But for now, it’s good to be reminded that I am not God, and sometimes… we just need to dance.